Special Material Written by Glen Roven and Maria S. Schlatter
(The guests are surprised when, out
of nowhere, a VIOLINIST—Bruce Dukov from
the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra—appears
and starts to play the theme from
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. The show is beginning!
MICHAEL, as TEVYE the dairyman, makes his
Way to the performing area. The MUSIC
Continues)
MICHAEL
(as TEVYE)
A Jewish star in the movies?! Sounds crazy, no? But in our little shtetle of Trousdale estates you might say that every one of us is a Jew trying to make it in the business of show. It isn’t easy.
You may ask, “why do we do it?” Do we do it for the money? Yes.
Do we do it because of our unmitigating and enormous egos. Yes.
Do we do it so we can rub that first bastard casting director who said we’d never make it-‘s nose in our success? …Yes.
But there’s something far more important than all of that…We do it to get the hot chicks. It’s tradition.
And the man who got the hottest chick in town is the man we’re here to celebrate. Kirk Douglas!
(JOEL and PETER enter)
JOEL, PETER and MICHAEL
(as JEWS from ANETVKA)
KIRK DOUGLAS,
KIRK DOUGLAS,
(THEY spin like Jews for a beat)
KIRK DOUGLAS,
KIRK DOUGLAS,
KIRK DOUGLAS,
(Another spin)
KIRK DOUGLAS.
HERE IS A MAN WHO
IS SO VERY MANLY
CLEFT UPON HIS CHIN,
SO DEEP THAT YOU COULD DIVE IN
THIS MANLY MAN
HE SHOT HIS SEED AROUND
AND MADE SOME OTHER
MANLY MEN
MY POPPA
MY POPPA,
(SPIN)
KIRK DOUGLAS
MY POPPA,
MY POPPA,
(SPIN)
KIRK DOUGLAS
(The VIOLIN underscore continues.)
PETER
Some say that the Spielbergs, Katzenbergs, Soderbergs, all the…Bergs are perhaps more Jewish than the non-Bergs. But I ask you: Do they go to temple more often? No. Are their ‘CHHHHHHHHHH’s” stronger? No. Were their circumsicians more painful? No…Definitely not!
JOEL
When my father changed his name to become an actor…he purposely chose a name that was steeped in ancient roots and meaning of its own. His first name “Kirk” is actually Native American. It means “I took an axe to his chin and it looks pretty damn good.”
ALL (with Michael trying to smooth everything out.)
KIRK DOUGLAS,
KIRK DOUGLAS,
(THEY spin like Jews for a beat)
KIRK DOUGLAS,
KIRK DOUGLAS,
KIRK DOUGLAS,
(Another spin)
KIRK DOUGLAS,
(JOEL and PETER to leave the
playing area as the VIOLIN continues)
MICHAEL
Kirk Douglas. Kirk Douglas. This may sound silly or overly-dramatic, but, if it weren't for him, I have a sneaking suspicion that I wouldn't be here today.
(MUSIC VIOLIN BUTTON)
MICHAEL
(He wraps up the show…and…)
I mean…after all that what can you say, except: (to the pianist) HIT IT.
(SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC)
MICHAEL and CATHERIJNE
KIRK CAST A GIANT SHADOW
THROUGH ALL SEVEN DAYS IN MAY
OUT OF THE PAST, THIS JUGGLER
PLAYED A GREAT "DOC HOLIDAY"
HE CRASHED THE WALLS OF JERICHO
'CAUSE THEY WERE IN HIS WAY
ALL WOMEN DREAMED TO BE WITH HIM
ALL MEN WISHED THEY WERE GAY.-
CHORUS
THE CAST
OH, SPARTACUS, TO CATCH A SPY, ULYSEES: SUCH A CAD, OH
LUST FOR LIFE, I WALK ALONE, THE BEAUTIFUL AND BAD. OH
SEVEN DAYS IN MAY, THE FURY CAST A GIANT SHAD-OW
ISSUR DANIELOVITCH DEMSKY: PETE AND MICHAEL'S DAD, OH!
CATHERINE (spoken)
In Wales, we’d never have a birthday celebration without a good ol’ fashinoned birthday sing along. So under your plates our the lyrics. You must know it by now. EVERYBODY!
(And indeed, under the plates, in nice
BIG letters, are the words to the CHORUS)
THE ENTIRE ROOM
SPARTACUS, DOC HOLIDAY, ULYSEES: SUCH A CAD, OH
LUST FOR LIFE, I WALK ALONE, THE BEAUTIFUL AND BAD. OH
SEVEN DAYS IN MAY, THE FURY CAST A GIANTO SHAD-OW
ISSUR DANIELOVITCH DEMSKY: ONE TERRIFIC DAD, OH!
CATHERINE
One more time!
THE ENTIRE ROOM
SPARTACUS, DOC HOLIDAY, ULYSEES: SUCH A CAD, OH
LUST FOR LIFE, I WALK ALONE, THE BEAUTIFUL AND BAD. OH
SEVEN DAYS IN MAY, THE FURY CAST A GIANTO SHAD-OW
ISSUR DANIELOVITCH DEMSKY: ONE TERRIFIC DAD, OH!
(THE BRING OUT THE CAKE)
EVERYONE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR KIRK
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!
